Leading Through Listening: how one simple technique can change everything
Work Culture Series - No. 2
Take a moment and consider the qualities that you notice in yourself when you are communicating at your best. Calm? Concise? Clear… ?
Did listening appear in your list?
I’m Tamson - Insight Coach, Speaker and Trainer at Amara Life. I specialise in helping professionals cultivate the psychological insight and skills needed for good Leadership.
In the second of a new series of blogs on Leadership, I share how a simple daily coaching technique can help you bring out the best in yourself, your team and your colleagues.
Are you Listening?
In my work with team leaders, directors and CEOs, I always ask about leadership qualities. It’s always encouraging to hear about great communication skills, but I always notice how rarely listening is mentioned.
“Listening is the most important skill for successfully interacting with your team and your colleagues.”
Think about a time when you had to phone a call centre. Remember how the customer service representative read their script and asked you irrelevant questions, forcing their process on you? How frustrated you felt when they wouldn’t listen to your problem or take the time to understand what you needed?
In ‘The Chimp Paradox’, Professor Steve Peters labels the emotionally reactive part of the mind our ‘inner chimp’, and the executive, thinking part the ‘human.’ That call centre exchange triggered your chimp. We talk about ‘the chimp being on the move’ when we are upset, disappointed or confused. We think emotively, jump to conclusions, and fixate on what we perceive to be the problem. We lose focus, make mistakes and the quality of our relating suffers. As we saw in Leadership work series 1, effective leaders are good at ‘settling the chimp’ and waking up the ‘human’ in their team members.
Our inner chimp’s core need is to be heard, acknowledged, and - at best - reassured. In the absence of such a response, it will actively keep the problem alive until someone finally listens. Once this aim is achieved, the chimp can relax and allow the ‘human’ back into the driving seat.
We can see this process in MRI scans. ‘Chimp’ behaviour correlates with high blood flow to the emotional core of our brain, the amygdala. Being heard and acknowledged redirects blood to the prefrontal cortex, associated with higher functioning. Receiving advice and practical suggestions while the chimp is on the move does not help. Feeling heard is what causes a shift in blood flow. Only then can a different perspective emerge and the problem dissipates or transforms.
As a leader, you might not feel you have time to listen, especially if you feel overwhelmed with your own to-do list or problems. It can be tempting to redirect, shut down or avoid team members. This is a literal waste of time, as your colleague’s chimp will continue looking for someone who is available to listen. And as their line manager or team leader, you probably are best placed to support them.
The Power of Paraphrase
Allowing your colleague 2-3 minutes to exercise whatever is bothering them - actively, i.e. not with half an eye on your laptop - indicates that you are listening. That is all their chimp needs to feel acknowledged, and for that blood to flow back to their prefrontal cortex - which is where you want it.
To really nail this process, paraphrase back what your colleague shared, to actively confirm that you have heard them. This will de-escalate even a very stressed chimp. Phrases to try:
“Can I just check that I have understood the problem….” (and paraphrase)
“What I have heard is….” (and paraphrase)
Reassure your colleague’s chimp that you empathise with them, whatever the issue. “That sounds tough/difficult” will melt the chimp, right in front of your eyes.
This may sound simple. However - only your human can listen properly. Chimps can’t, they have their fingers in their ears! So to listen effectively you must also manage your own chimp. First, you need to notice when your own chimp is on the move! Top tip: if you cannot effectively paraphrase back what you have heard, you are likely in your chimp...
Next; hit the pause button! Whatever you were thinking or feeling, stop investing in it. Do not say anything; you need time-out so you can actively redirect yourself back into your own human. You can do this effectively if you deliberately focus on what you are hearing and ‘drop into listening mode’. Only respond when you are able to hear yourself paraphrasing your colleague effectively in your own mind. In the meantime, maintain attentive body language as best you can.
Another catch is that our chimp can become actively overwhelmed by listening if we perceive that we are being dumped on (and are having more items added to our own to-do list), and that team members could easily resolve the problem on their own.
This is where further coaching skills come in. Knowing when and how to differentiate and switch between directing or facilitating your team is an invaluable skill that can make the difference in helping the chimps to feel onboard - allowing their humans to get on with their best work.
An Amara Life experience will better your leadership to create happier teams where business booms. For further support and guidance on embedding coaching skills in your day-to-day Leadership practice, get in touch: tamson@amaralife.com